1. Family background

My mother, a 23 year old from Puerto Rico met my father, a 25 year old Colombian. Although they were both Latino, the challenges were not far in between. First and foremost, my father was an illegal alien and was married with my mother shortly after immigration caught up with him. Not only were there some tensions with differences in cultures, but also the introduction of the pregnancy (with me) one month after they were married and 4 months after they had met, really challenged their relationship. There were also issues with work. My mother was raised with all boys and therefore, was used to being taken care. Being a financial contributor to the household initially was not her priority. Early on, she often found herself switching jobs quite frequently and relying on my father’s income. She eventually decided she was going to remain constant in the working world but it was mostly due to the fear that my father was still working under an alias and that one day he’d be caught.

At the time of pregnancy, my mother had recently started a job and remembers not having a hard tome with her employer as to her going out on maternity leave. She quickly learned how easy it was to get pregnant and although unprepared mentally, emotionally, and financially, in her eyes, the only option was to have me. My father was not so convinced.

Needless to say, the pregnancy was to go to full term and within all the inexperience and lack of education, my mother did not prepare for delivery or take any obstetrics type of course.

However, I was born and my mother enjoyed having a brand new baby. Neither one of my parents felt ready to care for a child but it was much easier for my mother than it was for my father in early parenthood. My father was already overwhelmed with having to take care of his mentally ill mother and autistic brother.

2. Genetics

In describing my phenotype, the most obvious would my physical resemblance to my father and my father’s side of the family. My eye color, hair and skin color are from my father’s genetic makeup but my height and weight are difficult to distinguish in terms of who’s genes are most responsible. My personality is also difficult to iron out genetically because I think I am wired like both my parents. I’m not outgoing, as neither of them are, and I’m extremely emotional, like they both are. On the other hand, my mother believes my intelligence comes from my father. If it were genetically proven that intelligence could be distinguished by a gene, I would say that perhaps I took after my dad. However, I feel my dad is an extremely smart man so some may argue that I am biased because who would not want to consider themselves intelligent? I believe familial influences such as hearing my mother and family make comments is what makes me accredit my genetic makeup in intelligence to my father. I’ve heard many a times from my family that I am smart like my father. I’m hoping they are correct.

I do, however, attribute my behavior, particularly my belligerence, to both genes and environment. Perhaps it’s not a fact but the reason I came up this conclusion is because many of my father’s family members, including his father, who’s been deceased since my dad was eight years old, are aggressive. It seems rather obvious because so many familial ties point in that direction. Additionally, I also believe that having witnessed the volatile interactions between my parents assisted my development of this behavior.

3. Prenatal development

During the pregnancy, I was not exposed to any teratogens. My mother started prenatal care at around six weeks of gestation and altered her eating patterns to include nutrients that were recommended by her physician for a healthy pregnancy and baby upon delivery. Nonetheless, she was under a lot of stress because my father abused alcohol. And she did suffer some self-esteem issues during the earlier part of her pregnancy with her gaining of weight. She was accustomed to being thin all her life and was struggling with the changes her body was going through. Emotionally she remained grounded by my grandmother, her biological mother. The good thing was that my grandmother came form Puerto Rico to help with the pregnancy and the new baby. This was soothing to her because she was experiencing so many transitions that having her mother around brought some sort of normalcy in her life.

4. Delivery, early health, and milestones

My mother was in labor for about 14 hours. She described this as the most excruciating pain she had ever experienced and even illustrated her disgust with my father at the time for impregnating her. She said she was enamored with her new baby girl; although my father preferred a boy. I was a born a healthy baby at 8 lbs 3 oz. My mother declined the recommendation of breast feeding because of her belief system. She believed formula was better and more modern and that it will include all of the nutritional needs for her baby. Subsequently, I was bottle fed formula until I was about 6 months.

My babysitter introduced solids to me too early in infancy which resulted in me being overfed, resistant to the formula and overweight. The bottle was used primarily to keep me quiet and was given to me with juice until I was about 3 years old. It was quite difficult to wean me off of the use of a bottle. In fact, at the age of 3 my babysitter recommended and used tobasco sauce on the tip of my bottle to assist with weaning. Much to my babysitter and my mother’s surprise, I enjoyed the tobasco sauce and I was found on numerous occasion searching for the sauce in the refrigerator myself.

For the most part, all developmental milestones were normal. I began walking at 8 months, which was a little early. By 14 months I started running, although I would stumble and fall quite frequently. Language development began at around 11 months with my first word being, “cake” in Spanish.

I was also sick many times for the first five years of my. I repeatedly got severe upper respiratory infections. At the time, my mother believed it was due to the early morning runs when she would drop me off at the babysitter. Other than my increasing weight, everything seemed normal.

5. Care giving

My mother returned to work early on during my infancy. My grandmother’s friend emigrated from Colombia to take care of me and two of my cousins. She was older and therefore wiser in my father’s, eyes even though she never had children of her own. My mother was unhappy with the overall care I was receiving with this babysitter but felt unable to assert herself because it was someone who was part of my father’s family. She wanted to avoid altercations with my dad at all costs and allowed my babysitter to dictate my care. This woman made many big decisions independently. It was she who took me to the doctor to get my ear’s pierced at 12 months, on her own. She would also give me a haircut without consulting with my mother first.

My babysitter was bound by a strong cultural belief system and overfeeding was one of those beliefs. The more I was fed, the healthier and more loved I would feel. I often wonder if this contributed to my eating difficulties during late adolescence. I began to fill emotional voids with food and started the trend of yo-yo dieting because my mother was unhappy if I was chubby.

In reviewing this biographical outline thus far, I prefer to be able to take care of my children, at least for the earlier periods of their lives. I do believe that I may have to work, but although I would be sensitive to other people’s belief systems, I don’t think I would allow a babysitter to take the initiative that mine did.

6. Attachment

At around 6-8 months I was mostly attached to my grandmother. Although I was with my babysitter for a good part of the day, it was my grandmother’s company who I enjoyed the most. I even slept in the same bed with her until age five. When she moved back to her country, I was unable to sleep alone and it was then that I began to bond with my mother and sleep with her. My father was a light sleeper so he couldn’t sleep on the bed with us because of the overwhelming amount of movements I engaged in during my sleep.

Maternal attachment was reciprocal. My mother would stimulate me by giving me a kiss or carrying me and would wait for me to conform to her approaches. If I did not give her a signal that I was engaging or enjoying her playfulness, she would stop. Paternal attachment as an infant was somewhat proximal. My father enjoyed carrying me and playing with me at all times but was very limited in his participation with care giving activities. Caregiving was a woman’s job.

7. Temperament

I was quite fussy as an infant (crying frantically). Many times my mother would feel anxious because she didn’t know if I was experiencing some type of distress. She would try to use a pacifier to ease my crying spells but there was no calming me so I would expel it from my mouth. This influenced my mother’s interaction with me because many times she was afraid I would cry if she rubbed me the wrong way.This behavioral style carried over to my toddler years and my parents began to implement split childrearing practices. My mother would be submissive to my demands in order to facilitate harmony. My father was a disciplinarian and mandated by instilling fear if I didn’t conform to his demands. Early on, I learned to associate the belt (his belt) with staying quiet and being good.

There was some dissonance between my temperament and my parent’s ability to manage it. Perhaps this was a precursor to the conflicts we later experienced during my adolescence and early adulthood. Perhaps it was also my way of expressing the emotion I was experiencing due to the stormy chaos that was so frequent between my parents. In relation to the Myers and Briggs concepts of temperament, I can see how my intuitiveness and feelings were expressed and how they remained constant for the first 25 years of my life. Although I didn’t understand because of my lack of maturity during infancy and childhood, I knew something was just not right and crying illustrated the fear I was experiencing.

8. Gender-role

My mother was blissful that she had a daughter. Throughout her pregnancy she asked God for a girl. My father was disappointed I was not a boy. It was possibly this disappointment that drove him to be so hard on me. I was to be a doctor or a lawyer. My mother on the other hand, praised my female gender and would sew nothing but dresses for me. Gifts from my mother were mostly dolls and toys with pinks and reds. My father’s gifts were mostly instruments, money, video games or education related items. My room was painted by my father in neutral colors. The walls were off-white, although they were lavender when we first moved into the house. My furniture was antique and the décor did not even remotely hint that the room belonged to a girl.

Other than raking the leaves and cutting the grass, chores were not enforced in my house. My mother would repeatedly attempt to start a schedule for my sister and I to do household chores, but I believe that because it was mostly my father who set the rules in the house, this list would dissolve. Most of my time was spent doing homework. I had many friends in school but unless they came over to play, I wouldn’t get to play with them because I wasn’t allowed to go to their homes. I believe this played a role in my inability to maintain attachments with my friends, even through my late twenties.

In reflecting on these assigned roles that obviously contributed to my development, I have learned about the reason for my urge to constantly work and continue to progress in my career. In early adulthood I engaged in what would normally be considered male dominated activities. I started businesses, I purchased a home, and I found myself being driven by money. I still steer away from doing domestic activities but I enjoy implementing home improvement and maintenance type tasks.

9. Beliefs, customs, and values

Although it is somewhat apparent based on this autobiographical outline, that my family was quite detached, at home it was important for me to learn integrity, honesty, and respect. Until this day, I return lost items to their rightful owners instead of keeping them. I still don’t curse in front of my parents out of respect nor do I in front of children or elders. In addition to that, both my parents were driven by a less than modern school of thought in terms of marriage and children. Although my mother is saddened by the fact that I am a 33 year old female who has never been married, she is happy that I haven’t had children out of wedlock. Quite frankly, this is one belief that I agree on.

In contrast, both my parents are very spiritual beings and I am sensitive to that. However, although I do believe spirituality is important in people’s lives, I don’t necessarily believe enforcing a specific affiliation on your children is one practice I would follow when I am raising mine. I would also, attempt to instill more unity when I have a family of my own.

Conclusion

In perception after the fact, I admit I sometimes still look at my dad with some resentment for engaging in such dominant behaviors but I am also thankful that these early experiences have allowed me to be comfortable with who I am in this society. That is, ironically, with a strong sense of womanhood. It’s not surprising to me that I would make reference about my dad more than my mother. This is partly because; it was he who mostly indirectly influenced my character, drive and psychosocial development.

Needless to say, after 28 years of marriage, my mother finally had the courage to assert herself and break the codependency that had been plaguing her relationship with my dad. In turn, this empowered me to dismiss a similar relationship I was in around the same time. God knows I had become my mother at that time.

In having such strong maternal and paternal figures in my life, I also recognize how important it was for my parents to be a team in their child-rearing practices. I see now how the overall discordance between them affected my development. I believe they were not aware of how detrimental it could be but I am glad that I have become more knowledgeable in how children can sense, even at an early age. I am hoping that this knowledge will translate into better parenting for my children in the future. Although life is always a journey of lessons, I have at least recognized how paramount it is to be available emotionally for my children; how to set limits in conjunction with my spouse; and how to teach my children lessons without the use of fear.